Despicable Panchéé!

I don't understand a certain trait in me. I am unsure if I should even point to it as a one of my traits!

It so turns out that I haven't been able to make friends. I come across as a human repellent! At first it seemed really cool that I repel away people, but of late it seems to be getting to me. I get stood up so often, and people meet me and throw excuses at me for not meeting again! Is there something so hideous about me that repels people away?

People who mostly prove my case are my ‘class-mates’ from school. I always thought I was liked, but now it seems like I am loathed, beyond my comprehension. Honestly, at least as my memory and analytics support me, I have not wronged anyone to an extent for earning their hatred! In fact, I have been supportive, with all my energy. I have even gone out of my way to ‘be there’, and all I get is coldness. I have forgotten how it is to be loved. I have lost my respect for friendship.

When it comes to my work place, I am the glorious ‘outcast’. I am not a part of any parties or gatherings. I am not even informed about award ceremonies within the organization. I mostly lunch alone, or sometimes don’t eat at all, for the fear of cruel loneliness striking me again! I am always a part of a LOT of ‘labour’ work, (however sarcastic I am trying to be here!) but never a part of the culture. None of the Gossips reach me. In short, I find myself quite despicable, here too.

The irony of it heats me up, when people say ‘Hey, listen, you would be in a better situation (mentally) if you hung out, just that, you are not someone I would want to hang out with’. What is this supposed to mean? Why are people so shallow? They are giving that person an advice they do not want to entertain. If they despise that person so much as to not want her company, they have no business in offering her a hypocritical advice!

I just wish to meet someone, who has the ‘balls’ to point out why they do not like my disposition, or why I repel them away! Anyone want to speak up?

Not Lamenting the Loss!

This is not quite a lament. It is an outburst, a chaos, an emptiness touching the bottom of the INFINITY 'Well'.

I do not want to sound obscure, but oblivion grips me and I can't seem to shake it away!

This is not one of those 'random rants'.

Let me give it another shot at being able to communicate what I am trying to state here!

My Older sister got wed locked less that 18 days ago, with due respects to precision, and I haven't been myself since then. Weddings are supposed to be 'happy' affairs! Yes I know people tell me, 'goodbyes' can be bitter, yet, most say that it is 'bitter-sweet', since you are wishing in your heart that the person you bid goodbye to would live happily ever after. This is entirely the opposite with me! I cannot fathom the reason. Probably one of the reasons I am writing is to figure out this unfathomable feeling of pain that I feel at the thought of my Her married, never to return home to Her baby.

She and I have been inseparable since our inception! We never needed anybody else 'cause there was always one person you knew would understand no matter what! She is a darling, and I dare say that She understands me like none other, even beyond my own great understanding of my world!

It was me, in the first place, to have encouraged following Her heart, and I feel as though I have deceived myself. At first, when 'a plausible' marriage between my brother-in-law and Her was doing the rounds of the family discussion table, it seemed like a perfect idea! I couldn't have been happier for Her. Little did I realise that my happiness for HER was at the cost of my heart! Things went on, the wedding preparations began and I decided to put my heart on 'auto-pilot' until the wedding proceedings were all over and out, smoothly, albeit! It did go on smoothly, and when I try to bring my heart back to reality, now that the wedding is over, is hurts more than anything has ever hurt me! It is almost like ripping off a band-aid, the more I try ripping it, the more the pain elevates, except that this pain is a googol times more excruciating! Why is all this happening? Why am I feeling like I will faint, and never wake again?

I have experienced all forms of Love with this Woman! A sister, far beyond the boundaries of sisterhood, a friend far closer to be called a friend, a guide better than God, a Mother as warm as sunshine, an enemy who cannot be loathed (to point out my numerous flaws!), even a Lover, lovelier than the greatest of loves! All of the above could be somehow, minutely understood by many, but the last, I am afraid; you wouldn’t, unless I cleared it! Don’t you dare question the piousness of our Love!

My alter ego, ‘Bunny’, a mere soft toy in the eyes of the world, is Her Lover! I never hoped to write about ‘Bunny’ ever. It always seemed like a thing of play, genteel levity with tremendous comic effect that always promised laughter amongst all of us five people in the house (Dad, Mum, Bro, Her & me). It started off as an art of ventriloquism! I would make Bunny talk to Her as Her Lover. It would be so hilarious! Cutting out all the (essential) details of the act, it was in short, pure entertainment! It did not come across to me that Bunny tuned into a real person, as time ran by! I know now that Bunny is madly in Love with Her, and I cannot seem to grip reality. Every time I sleep, I dream of coming home and finding Bunny hanging from the fan, after a successful act of suicide. It pains me to death when I wake up! I can’t seem to get a grip on reality. Is it so that my ‘Heart’ has gotten out of ‘Auto Pilot’ without my knowledge and is getting chaotic and out of control?

I NEED MY ANSWERS! MY HEAD IS SPINNING!

The Rope

I wish I could turn the pages of time,
Not forward, but backward.

Though I have to admit that pain has made me strong, I have seen the point  of minima, absolute darkness. When I even did not possess the will to finish the little bit of life left, that had bestowed upon me the pain that I so fondly withstood. I had no energy; nothingness seemed to captivate my existence.
I am back now, after all the trance of being in a well, 'Oblivion's abode', which has an infinite depth. Somewhere I found a rope, that someone had let down to bring me up and since then I have caught hold of it, and God knows I shan't let go! This rope has fossil-led into my palms.

I know, I won't let go. I will go ahead, march with the dignity of being alive, with the sun smiling warm on me. And Nay I will Smile back with assurance that I am not dreaming, that I am close to my dreams, and not in 'one' myself!

Panchéé
5-July-2012

Letters from the discomforts of the Bed

Yes indeed! I write now while I am lying on my bed, down with a terrible respiratory problem. I have been sick for almost a few days now and I already feel miserable. I feel like a prisoner, locked away behind the bars of Asthma!
But honestly, writing might be an answer to this misery. I know I am very melodramatic and I blow everything far beyond proportion. But I find this dramactic world rather interesting. In short I would be quite honoured if you would tag me as a drama 'queen', at least I am a queen!!
I might come across as authoritative, thrusting my opinions on those people who happen to bear with me, only because they (those that put up with me) are quite sure that deep down I am nice and though these people I refer to now comprise of a tiny number, one that could be counted comfortably with < 10 fingers yet they are all that I need to get along with life with a true smile.

Books - Mind's Treasure Cave!

Recently a friend of mine was asking me about some interesting books for kids. Hence this post!

I am sure at least people who read this will agree with me that reading is very fundamental to the over all development of an individual. More so, for kids. 
Their tender age looks for answers to question, probably not even answerable by great scientists. Such is the mind of a child!

There is no pretence. There is no sense of achievement, but just a pure curiosity. I believe that if this curiosity can be handled with reading, the child will grow to be self sufficient and remarkable.

I am just listing down some stories that I read as a child, and some that I read after I was no more a child! All of these books have inspired me nonetheless, and have added value to my living.

If you are looking to buy these books, they could be easily procured from a nice book store or even online.

I am going to list down books in Ascending Order of Age. Starting with Age 2 when the child glances its first words.

All readers are welcome to add to this list. Just put it in the comments box and it shall be posted. If possible a short review will help!

Age 2:

1. Wee Willie Winkie | Author: William Miller

This book is a darling of most toddlers. Be sure to buy the book with graphics illustration by Annie Kubler. The illustrations will capture the little hearts and the rhyme will get them to dance!

A must read!
In case you want to buy it Online: Amazon

2. Hello Baby : Author: Mem Fox

This book is enjoyed by the babies and their parents alike!

In case you want to buy it Online: Amazon

More Coming Up Soon!


<<A little deviation
There is a really interesting link that I found Online! They have many story books illustrated on-line. One has to just navigate and start enjoying the reading process! Here is the Link to it:
Children's Storybooks Online>>


Now Coming back to My List!

3. The Cat in the Hat | Dr. Seuss

Two children are moping indoors on a rainy day when in strolls the Cat in the Hat. Making one of the most unforgettable entrances in the history of children's literature, the lanky feline, stylishly dressed in a candy-striped stovepipe hat and oversized bow tie, creates a whirlwind of misbehavior that the kids are at first powerless to halt.

In case you want to buy it Online: Amazon 

4. The Very Hungry Caterpillar | Eric Carle

The book starts with an egg on a leaf, in the light of the moon.

The sun comes up and a tiny caterpillar emerges and looks for food.

On consecutive days, the caterpillar eats through a single red apple, two (green) pears, three (blue) plums, four strawberries, and five oranges, which takes us from Monday to Friday.

Saturday: the caterpillar eats its way through many different foods: chocolate cake, ice-cream, a pickle, Swiss cheese, salami, a lollipop, cherry pie, a sausage, a cupcake, and a slice of watermelon. The caterpillar gets a stomach ache as a result of eating all this food.

Sunday: the caterpillar eats through a single leaf, which makes the caterpillar feel better.

The now big caterpillar forms a cocoon (since the titular character is not a moth larva, this is poetic license).

On the final pages the caterpillar is now a 'beautiful' butterfly.

 In case you want to buy it Online: Amazon

Ode to my Motherland

Serving one's Motherland is just not about going to war or making laws! There are indeed a million other ways one can prove to be worthy to a nation that gave us an identity, a sense of space and a place to belong. 

I have always believed in a borderless world, where people did not make maps and mark territories. I strongly opposed theories of nationalism and those that even remotely suggested the same. But one experience however changed the way I perceived the world, my immediate surroundings.

It was a pleasant Sunday morning. My family had planned a short excursion out of the city. It was meant to be a day affair. Though the morning was pleasant with its smell of freshness and tranquility, it was quite cold. It was one of those typical winter mornings pleading to kiss the cold a gentle goodbye and yearn for the soft caress of the spring.

I was well warmed up with the layers of my attire, quite pleased with myself for having won the morning’s battle with the cold. The morning took off as smoothly as anticipated. The genuine laughter and chirps made the heart warmer than usual.

I found myself getting lost in the family chatter and it that was very fulfilling to my being.

It was a drive of about a couple of hours from the city Gurgaon, where we resided. The journey too was filled with light-hearted revelry that added more lustre to the travel.

This trip was not entirely a leisure affair. It also contained in it religious overtones. We were travelling to this place called ‘Brijghat’ that lies on the banks of the Ganges.

Being from a family of nurtured Hinduism, visiting the Ganges was indeed a religious affair. My mother yearned to visit the river and offer her prayers to Goddess Ganga.

To be perfectly honest, I am not a religious person. I am certainly not a follower of Atheism, I do believe in a perpetual form of energy that commands the universe, yet I would not like to give this energy names and a hierarchy.

For me, this excursion purely meant some time away from the bustling city life and a mundane lifestyle that had gotten too trite to endure. This was the time that I could devote to the company of the two most important entities of my life viz. my family and Mother Nature.

We reached our destination. The sun had reluctantly begun to make his appearance and our spirits begged him to stay on. I was at the same place about 5 years ago. It seemed more ill kept after the years of gap. The place was very dirty with piles of waste gathered around as a welcome décor to the visitors. I didn’t really admit it until I saw the Ganges Herself.

Though a beauty she is, but had lost her charms. The Ganges to me resembled a ‘once beautiful woman’ exploited by the world’s evil, yet continuing to flow, fulfilling her duties due to the ‘pressures’ of the world!

There was a sense of Pity and Pride to the intense emotion I shared with Her. I almost heard her beckon to me. To talk to Her, in order to indulge in another woman’s company, that the bosom of a woman is so much in need of. But, alas! I couldn’t indulge in the amusements of lady-gossip with the Ganges, since my mother wasn’t too keen on us getting into the cold water.

We had a nice boat ride that included numerous photo-sessions and prayers. After we safely trod the banks again, did I witness something phenomenal?

I saw people fighting to come close to us, bellies filled with mal-nutrition with a hope in their burning eyes to put out some of its fire! There were so many of them, young, old, blind, crippled, beautiful, tired…..

There was one thing common to all of them. Desperation. The dynamism of their pain was exasperating. This was the moment when the seeds of nationalism were sown in me. I felt that, a part of me was suffering too. I could just not empathize with their predicament, but my heart bled. I knew now that that part of me belonged to someone, purely, unalloyed. I belonged to my Motherland, I belonged to India!

If I have been blessed with all the comfort and luxuries of life, I ought to work towards bettering the people who shared this great country with me, the least to give them a piece of my beautiful life.

I had a spark of revelation. If I couldn’t better my immediate environs, the land that fed me and spelled ‘comfort’ for me, then this existence of mine would be just like the loads of trash that welcomed me to the Ganges.

Now I belong to my country, I belong to Her, India!

Hypocrisy Vs Humanity, Oops they are synonyms!

How can they think 'they' are standing strong,
yet I can feel the Air beneath their 'foundation'!

This is not exactly a merry piece of writing, though I keep promising to myself that I ought to think of something really pleasant to write. But, everything that I witness around me, has nothing pleasant to offer so that I could get inspired to write about it.
This post is merely a tiny platform, where I could attempt to come to terms with my 'anguish', my utter disappointment and a loathe, that I want to free myself from, for having birthed as a human!

This anecdote that I am going to narrate happened just about a few days ago.
I was at my work place(as usual). And when I was running a couple of errands, my sight happened to catch a hurt pigeon's.
When I looked at it, I first thought it was just resting in the shade, due to the scorching heat. But, there was an unsettling feeling that implored me to have a second look at it. The Bird, was drenched. It was below some pipe-line, and perhaps there was a crack in the pipe, and it was leaking, and that had drenched the bird wet.
And I noticed that it was unable to move, walk, or even blink properly. I picked it up, and wiped it with a cloth that was lying in the vicinity. I looked into it's eyes. They were blood red!

I panicked. I knew that the helpless little 'LIFE' in my palm, was ill, and in a lot of pain. I took it under a tree, and left it there, and I asked the guards to keep an eye on it. I came back after about half and hour and it was there, in the same position, yet not life-less.

I immediately called the N.G.O.  'people for Animals'. No body answered. I called my vet. Doctor, hoping to get some help. He directed me to another group, something like an N.G.O. I am guessing. No body answered again!
I called People for animals again. Thankfully someone did answer the phone. I heaved a sigh of relief. I spoke to the person on the other side of the phone. I asked for an ambulance. And he said that they will send it asap. And then, he asked me, what animal required help. I said a pigeon. And he exclaimed!
'Kabutar!'. I could hear him giggle at the other end of the line. I hung up, with absolute disgust when he said that he cannot send an ambulance for a 'kabutar'!

...........End Of the Anecdote..............

Isn't it rhetorical, that they call themselves, people for animals. We fight against racism, religions and what not!
Why can't we fight for all animals, with the same passion!
You can't help birds, or other tiny creatures, because they aren't as 'cute' or 'lovable' like the pedigree dogs?
Don't they have a life? Why must you consider a dog's life more valuable than a pigeons?

I guess, setting up NGOs and doing social work, to earn extra credits, is just hypocrisy. You really think you can change something. Start from the foundation.
Bring about these feelings of 'care', 'love', 'kindness', without ANY bias.
This is NOT some kind of philosophical talk you listen to in lecture halls....
This is just an expression of deep felt hurt, and disgust!

And if you are curious to know about the pigeon. She is perfectly fine, thanks to Google search(ask me how later)!

At this point I am so much reminded of Shakespeare's Julius Caesar

intercepts from Antony's Speech:
"The evil that men do lives after them;

The good is oft interred with their bones;"