Not Lamenting the Loss!

This is not quite a lament. It is an outburst, a chaos, an emptiness touching the bottom of the INFINITY 'Well'.

I do not want to sound obscure, but oblivion grips me and I can't seem to shake it away!

This is not one of those 'random rants'.

Let me give it another shot at being able to communicate what I am trying to state here!

My Older sister got wed locked less that 18 days ago, with due respects to precision, and I haven't been myself since then. Weddings are supposed to be 'happy' affairs! Yes I know people tell me, 'goodbyes' can be bitter, yet, most say that it is 'bitter-sweet', since you are wishing in your heart that the person you bid goodbye to would live happily ever after. This is entirely the opposite with me! I cannot fathom the reason. Probably one of the reasons I am writing is to figure out this unfathomable feeling of pain that I feel at the thought of my Her married, never to return home to Her baby.

She and I have been inseparable since our inception! We never needed anybody else 'cause there was always one person you knew would understand no matter what! She is a darling, and I dare say that She understands me like none other, even beyond my own great understanding of my world!

It was me, in the first place, to have encouraged following Her heart, and I feel as though I have deceived myself. At first, when 'a plausible' marriage between my brother-in-law and Her was doing the rounds of the family discussion table, it seemed like a perfect idea! I couldn't have been happier for Her. Little did I realise that my happiness for HER was at the cost of my heart! Things went on, the wedding preparations began and I decided to put my heart on 'auto-pilot' until the wedding proceedings were all over and out, smoothly, albeit! It did go on smoothly, and when I try to bring my heart back to reality, now that the wedding is over, is hurts more than anything has ever hurt me! It is almost like ripping off a band-aid, the more I try ripping it, the more the pain elevates, except that this pain is a googol times more excruciating! Why is all this happening? Why am I feeling like I will faint, and never wake again?

I have experienced all forms of Love with this Woman! A sister, far beyond the boundaries of sisterhood, a friend far closer to be called a friend, a guide better than God, a Mother as warm as sunshine, an enemy who cannot be loathed (to point out my numerous flaws!), even a Lover, lovelier than the greatest of loves! All of the above could be somehow, minutely understood by many, but the last, I am afraid; you wouldn’t, unless I cleared it! Don’t you dare question the piousness of our Love!

My alter ego, ‘Bunny’, a mere soft toy in the eyes of the world, is Her Lover! I never hoped to write about ‘Bunny’ ever. It always seemed like a thing of play, genteel levity with tremendous comic effect that always promised laughter amongst all of us five people in the house (Dad, Mum, Bro, Her & me). It started off as an art of ventriloquism! I would make Bunny talk to Her as Her Lover. It would be so hilarious! Cutting out all the (essential) details of the act, it was in short, pure entertainment! It did not come across to me that Bunny tuned into a real person, as time ran by! I know now that Bunny is madly in Love with Her, and I cannot seem to grip reality. Every time I sleep, I dream of coming home and finding Bunny hanging from the fan, after a successful act of suicide. It pains me to death when I wake up! I can’t seem to get a grip on reality. Is it so that my ‘Heart’ has gotten out of ‘Auto Pilot’ without my knowledge and is getting chaotic and out of control?

I NEED MY ANSWERS! MY HEAD IS SPINNING!