Success Begets Hostility

I do not fathom this hostility. Every time I begin doing well in any front, I am faced with people trying to bring me down. I am trying to solve this equation. I do not think I understand the problem, and the reason why I am unable to give it an elegant solution.

When I wasn’t doing well, that is to say, when I was ‘flawed’, when I would have no other option but to listen and imbibe the best in everybody around me, people were ‘nice’ to me. I used to be a terrific listener, not that I am any less now, I had made a few associations that seemed very strong to me that time. And mind you this is not a very long time ago. The Timeline would be just about 6 months in the past. I was still under medication for my ill health. I would fall ill every drop of a hat. I would not be in perfect mental and physical health to shoulder any responsibilities at home or at work, or anywhere else. People thronged to me. People both older and younger than me, my relatives, my superiors at work, people closely associated with my personal and professional life.

My medication was put to a stop merely 9 months ago. I started feeling good about life. The very first time, I realised that I have more sense of freedom than I did, in the last 5 years that I had been suffering. I was quite a slave to a severe health condition for those miserable 5 years. I was at home for 3 years straight, when I mean at home, I literally mean home, completely cut off from the outside world. It took me a rather large; an effort to heal. I worked almost 2 years while I was still unwell. It was easy to work with the condition because you automatically see pity in the eyes of people. Until they were ignorant of my condition they were reticent, when they were quite aware, they were filled with empathy. Though I was not very comfortable in seeking people’s pities and sympathies, I found it quite easy to get along. They wouldn’t be too hard on me, or they would not be critical of most of the things I did. Even if I faltered in any regard, I was always forgiven. I mistook many of these deeds to kindness. I told myself that my perspective of people’s cruelty and apathy towards life in general was not on firm grounds. I told myself that most people in general are kind and caring. They are forgiving and humble. I was in for a surprise. That is totally untrue!

Back in August when I was out of the medication and was pronounced ‘fit’, I vowed to myself that I will change many things about my life beginning with my weight, my lifestyle, my attitude: personal, professional and social and ending with everything that seemed wrong and brought about negativity in me. After a lot of procrastination, I finally put to practise a decently good lifestyle of eating right and exercising. I also began socialising. Trying to smile whenever possible, being a part of the office fun culture, trying to be as nice as possible at home, owning up more responsibilities, et al. I started feeling good within. My inner happiness was certainly visible to the outside world. People did notice changes in my person. A few did compliment me. They all knew I was battling all the wrongs that had attached themselves to me while I was unwell all these years. I lost a terrific amount of weight. I started looking and feeling more confident. This also reflected in my work. I started getting recognized at work. My family also noticed that I was doing far better than their expectations. In a nutshell, I seemed to get back my long lost limelight, at least in small quanta! Amidst all this hustle-bustle, I started noticing that, ever since I have recovered and (might add) doing well aesthetically, people have started falling out with me. It perturbed me for almost a month. I am not going to highlight anybody in specific here, but in general, I could perceive the negative energy creeping back.

Now I am talking of the present. I think I almost figured out why this is happening! I am using the word ‘almost’ here because; I need a few more practical sessions before I could justify the theoretical findings.

I think people (perhaps me included) are inherently insecure. We are insecure of everything around us. We are insecure parents with the fear of losing control on our children, we are insecure students with peer pressure, we are insecure friends with the fear of not being in the friend circle after a certain period, we are insecure lovers with the fear of losing the person we love to another, we are insecure executives with the fear of  under-performance, we are insecure seniors with the fear of seeing our juniors perform better and move ahead, this is a saga that is perpetual. At every mode we are insecure about one thing or the other. I figure so is the case with people’s behaviours to one and other. They were merely boosting their own rather ‘weak’ esteems while they were offering me their empathies. They were themselves drowned in their insecurities that it was a momentary relief to offer another person of ‘lower’ existence some pity to heighten their own mere existence.

Now when I begin to do well, their philanthropic self gets an attack of confusion! This perhaps translates into hostility. To confirm this theory, I will have to keep myself on the table and examine my behaviour towards someone who has transformed from two different worlds.

I hope I will find my muse!