Despicable Panchéé!

I don't understand a certain trait in me. I am unsure if I should even point to it as a one of my traits!

It so turns out that I haven't been able to make friends. I come across as a human repellent! At first it seemed really cool that I repel away people, but of late it seems to be getting to me. I get stood up so often, and people meet me and throw excuses at me for not meeting again! Is there something so hideous about me that repels people away?

People who mostly prove my case are my ‘class-mates’ from school. I always thought I was liked, but now it seems like I am loathed, beyond my comprehension. Honestly, at least as my memory and analytics support me, I have not wronged anyone to an extent for earning their hatred! In fact, I have been supportive, with all my energy. I have even gone out of my way to ‘be there’, and all I get is coldness. I have forgotten how it is to be loved. I have lost my respect for friendship.

When it comes to my work place, I am the glorious ‘outcast’. I am not a part of any parties or gatherings. I am not even informed about award ceremonies within the organization. I mostly lunch alone, or sometimes don’t eat at all, for the fear of cruel loneliness striking me again! I am always a part of a LOT of ‘labour’ work, (however sarcastic I am trying to be here!) but never a part of the culture. None of the Gossips reach me. In short, I find myself quite despicable, here too.

The irony of it heats me up, when people say ‘Hey, listen, you would be in a better situation (mentally) if you hung out, just that, you are not someone I would want to hang out with’. What is this supposed to mean? Why are people so shallow? They are giving that person an advice they do not want to entertain. If they despise that person so much as to not want her company, they have no business in offering her a hypocritical advice!

I just wish to meet someone, who has the ‘balls’ to point out why they do not like my disposition, or why I repel them away! Anyone want to speak up?

Not Lamenting the Loss!

This is not quite a lament. It is an outburst, a chaos, an emptiness touching the bottom of the INFINITY 'Well'.

I do not want to sound obscure, but oblivion grips me and I can't seem to shake it away!

This is not one of those 'random rants'.

Let me give it another shot at being able to communicate what I am trying to state here!

My Older sister got wed locked less that 18 days ago, with due respects to precision, and I haven't been myself since then. Weddings are supposed to be 'happy' affairs! Yes I know people tell me, 'goodbyes' can be bitter, yet, most say that it is 'bitter-sweet', since you are wishing in your heart that the person you bid goodbye to would live happily ever after. This is entirely the opposite with me! I cannot fathom the reason. Probably one of the reasons I am writing is to figure out this unfathomable feeling of pain that I feel at the thought of my Her married, never to return home to Her baby.

She and I have been inseparable since our inception! We never needed anybody else 'cause there was always one person you knew would understand no matter what! She is a darling, and I dare say that She understands me like none other, even beyond my own great understanding of my world!

It was me, in the first place, to have encouraged following Her heart, and I feel as though I have deceived myself. At first, when 'a plausible' marriage between my brother-in-law and Her was doing the rounds of the family discussion table, it seemed like a perfect idea! I couldn't have been happier for Her. Little did I realise that my happiness for HER was at the cost of my heart! Things went on, the wedding preparations began and I decided to put my heart on 'auto-pilot' until the wedding proceedings were all over and out, smoothly, albeit! It did go on smoothly, and when I try to bring my heart back to reality, now that the wedding is over, is hurts more than anything has ever hurt me! It is almost like ripping off a band-aid, the more I try ripping it, the more the pain elevates, except that this pain is a googol times more excruciating! Why is all this happening? Why am I feeling like I will faint, and never wake again?

I have experienced all forms of Love with this Woman! A sister, far beyond the boundaries of sisterhood, a friend far closer to be called a friend, a guide better than God, a Mother as warm as sunshine, an enemy who cannot be loathed (to point out my numerous flaws!), even a Lover, lovelier than the greatest of loves! All of the above could be somehow, minutely understood by many, but the last, I am afraid; you wouldn’t, unless I cleared it! Don’t you dare question the piousness of our Love!

My alter ego, ‘Bunny’, a mere soft toy in the eyes of the world, is Her Lover! I never hoped to write about ‘Bunny’ ever. It always seemed like a thing of play, genteel levity with tremendous comic effect that always promised laughter amongst all of us five people in the house (Dad, Mum, Bro, Her & me). It started off as an art of ventriloquism! I would make Bunny talk to Her as Her Lover. It would be so hilarious! Cutting out all the (essential) details of the act, it was in short, pure entertainment! It did not come across to me that Bunny tuned into a real person, as time ran by! I know now that Bunny is madly in Love with Her, and I cannot seem to grip reality. Every time I sleep, I dream of coming home and finding Bunny hanging from the fan, after a successful act of suicide. It pains me to death when I wake up! I can’t seem to get a grip on reality. Is it so that my ‘Heart’ has gotten out of ‘Auto Pilot’ without my knowledge and is getting chaotic and out of control?

I NEED MY ANSWERS! MY HEAD IS SPINNING!