Tuesday 4 June 2013

My Suicide Story


This is not ‘Gyan’. But this is my Suicide story.

I write this with a very heavy heart. Not that I knew Jiah Khan personally. Not that I thought she was a fabulous actor, she was decent but very beautiful, she'd do very well indeed if she had  willed. But she was woman, like me. She was a person like us all. She was struggling with life and she gave up, she quit.

Her suicide story took me down memory lane. Not a pleasant one of course. The darkness is mostly never pleasant. I certainly find it addictive and I have witnessed its malignant face too. I have been there almost looking death in the eye, and trust me ‘he’ looks hideous! I was not sure if I was running towards him or away from him. It was too painful to live. It was too painful to breathe. It was too painful to struggle. And I did attempt it, several times. Sleeping pills (tonne of them), anti-psychotics overdose, all that I could find and buy, blades slitting through the veins of my wrist, asphyxiation with my inhaler, I have tried it. But what surprises me now is that I always called out for help at the end of it all. If I had not, I would not be alive to write this very post.

It is not that my suicide story is a foolish one. I was terribly depressed as is evident! I would ‘see’ people who did not exist. I would hear voices of a lady, never obliging silence. I would quite simply hallucinate. I was heavily drugged with anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. I had dropped out of college. I attempted going back a couple of times, in vain. I failed all the time I attempted to even read a line from a book. I lost everything I had ever dreamed of doing. I would look at the ceiling the entire day or just sleep because the pills made me. I had no hope of recovery. The doctors had even suggested ‘institutionalization’. It lasted for over 4 years. 4 years of my adult life, from 18 – 23 years of age, when any girl is expected to touch the brink of beauty and social life with beaux & flirtations, I was at home almost weighing 85kgs with no hope of recovery, completely cut off from the outside world.

One day I got tired of it all. I just got out of home and got a job as a ‘hostess’ in a restaurant close to my house. I realised one thing that day. No ‘job’ is small. Every job has a value to add to one’s life. When I was studying Physics back in Bangalore, albeit doing terrific at it, I hadn’t imagined that, say, 4 years from thence I would greet guests at a restaurant and pick up empty plates and glasses. I hadn’t ever imagined working in the Hotel industry in 2007. But today I am here. I work for a Hotel Brand. I am happy. I have fallen in love with it. And the work I do adds immense value to my existence. As is evident from my post ‘Another Cinderella Story’, it does certainly feel like fairy land. Here comes the ‘Gyan’, I did not (and still do not) weigh a job or a situation in life.  I did not judge it. Judging a situation makes us weak. It makes us pity ourselves and this pity is the ‘adder’ that spills venom into our existence.

Whatever you may be, be it a Mechanic, a Cobbler, a Steward, a Caller, a Sales Person, an Executive, a CEO, a Managing Director, a House Wife, a Cook, a Maid, a Dog Walker, all you need is to be passionate about what you are doing, to love your work, to give it your 100 percent. It is not impossible. I do it. There are days I do not give my 100 percent. I forgive myself for it. But I never stop loving what I do.

I have come a long way from wanting to do theoretical physics to marketing hotels. But I do not judge myself. I do not judge the path my life has taken. I only am proud that I am happy; that I have made a commitment to happiness. All suicide stories need not end at suicide. Mine began with it!

20 comments:

  1. aww Pooja you're a strong lady.. do you know how much you could motivate someone with this blog of yours.. amazing.. moved me to tears.. *Hugs and kisses*

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    1. Thanks a tonne Nazia! I hope to write more. Need your support and love!

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  2. hard work makes success, passionate work makes miracles! every life has its worth! superbly written!

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    1. Thanks dude! Your travel blog is superb too. Just subscribed to it!!

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  3. Superb blog!be passionate about what you are doing!Whatever it is!so very well said:)Loved it!

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    1. Thank you so much Pavithra! Thank you for reading!!

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  4. whoaaa...veryy proud of u..truly inspiring pooja..m sure dis wud make a difference in lotta lives....al d very best t u:)

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    1. Thanks Anjali, it means a lot to me that you read it!
      Thank you really!

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  5. The audacity you've brought in here is amazing! Respect.. All the best!

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  6. Hey sweety..You know i was afraid to read it as i have been through it.As i started reading it i was slowly moving into those depressing moments which i have experienced just like you.Though they didnt last as long.But due to a strong family support i came out of that hell and finally leading a good life with my hubby and a kid which even i couldnt imagine years back.I never thought i would ever get back to my job my life again if my parents my siblings wouldn't have been there to help me come out of it..Even i tried all that non sense to put end to my life and my parents trouble .It was really painful to live at that time..God bless you me and people like us who have been thru this..

    Love,
    Sonia

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    1. Absolutely Sonia. I am so glad to hear that you are doing fantastic. Please stay that way. Make a commitment to happiness!

      And if at any time you need to talk to someone, I will consider myself lucky!

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  7. Yeah even me...You can speak to me as well anytime..you know what i realized the existence of friends or just people who listen to you in that situation..so many friends walked out of my life as no body wants to share the depression but only happiness.Very few people are able to support u...I just wanted somebody to be with me always,i started getting scared of my self.

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    1. Yes, that is true. People move away from you when they find out that you are depressed. This has happened with me too. Most people whom I consider(ed) as good friends walked away. This is quite a reasonable behaviour.

      Trust me, no body likes to be associated with sorrow. It is human nature to do so. Thus they run away. Now that I see it in a different light, I don't hold anything against them. Perhaps if you and I were like the others we would too.

      Anyway, you can email me on poojanataraj@gmail.com if you want to continue this conversation on a more personal note. I would LOVE to hear from you!

      Cheers!

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  8. Happiness is fleeting http://pamelajwells.blogspot.in/2012/02/happiness-is-fleeting-true-joy-comes.html (so that i don't have to type it out).

    Your thoughts and attitude shall define you, shape your future. Its your choice who you want to be.

    The message i see is; learn from your past, then leave it behind, and proceed forward. If you take nothing from it, then its just a waste of years.

    Am glad, as everybody else, that you have moved on. :)

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    1. Absolutely Pamela. Have come to realize that you has to make a commitment to happiness to live, else you will be slipping back into the dark well. Thanks for reading and commenting!

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    2. Picked her blog to save time. Am just the regular anonymous.

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    3. Aah, I had no idea. Nonetheless, thanks!

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  9. Tears rolling down don't know of happiness or sorrow!!!

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    1. Of Happiness darling, of definitely happiness!

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