17.03.2016 Kashmir

The Mesmerizing muse for the hopeless romantics - Kashmir!

My first visit to Kashmir, and always an honest opinion about the place follows below.

Unfortunately, I picked a rather wrong time to travel to Kashmir, and my views may be biased due to the unexpected cold welcome I received. I do not by this mean that the people are cold, the temperature was 4 degrees when I arrived on 17^th March 2016 at 8.30AM and to top it, it was pouring and while I was getting off the aircraft, I felt a wee bit dizzy; for those of you who do not know, I detest cold weather, I am a chirpy little bird in the spring and summer but I am quite an annoying complain freak in the winters! I really abhor chilly winds and times when I want to cover my body like an Eskimo and shut off– No offense!

Well, the driver was there to pick me up on time and he turned on the heater in the car after I was comfortably seated and I felt fine.

Now, the honest opinion, Kashmir is filled with beautiful, men, women & children. Perhaps the area renders a lovely glowing skin to each of them and they all undoubtedly look lovely! But unfortunately the place isn’t as well kept in terms of beauty. There is an old world charm about Srinagar, but the garbage thrown in callous disarray is distasteful, not to mention quite a bit of the road is not put to complete use and broken vehicles lie there, almost orphaned!

Now coming to the good side of things (I always save the good for the end!); the Dal lake looks absolutely ravishing! Even though there are a ton of houseboats on the ghats, the lake with its glass like water surface, almost looks holy and heavenly! The small Shikara boats moving about, a few carrying happy tourists or romance stricken couples on their first or tenth honeymoon, a flower man, or simply locals going about thir chores, well the sight is gorgeous! The lake is truly one of the wonders of Srinagar.

A Shy Rasheed, the Boat Driver

We arrived at Ghat No. 19 and the speed boat was there waiting to pick me up and take me to Sukoon Houseboat, the place where I was to stay. The 5 minute boat ride was chilling, as it was still raining and of course was very cold, but when we reached Sukoon, the warm welcome I received made me forget the cold and I felt at home. Tastefully created with walnut wood, the ceiling and walls carved out by different sets of local Kashmiri Artists was quite a sight for the artist in me. It was warm and cozy inside and I was offered the traditional Kashmiri Kahwa tea made of Saffron and almonds and I was ushered into my Suite at the end. The Suite was large and comfortable with a couch and sofas to relax, a large amazing double bed with 8 inch mattresses, luxurious duvet and two windows offering a beautiful view of the surroundings. The bathroom was large with a shower cubicle and a bathtub, a large mirror and extremely tidy & fresh linen. I just dropped on to my bed and fell asleep like a baby. There are no TVs in Sukoon Houseboat and it is an epitome of quiet and peace as the name says! The food is good and the service is genuine.

Sukoon - Peace, Wisdom & Contentment

While Sukoon itself is quite a destination, during my stay I visited several places of which I highly recommend visiting a few rather unique places.

Aru Valley, just a mere 13 kms ahead of Pehalgam, is a darling of a place where I found fresh snow, but the weather was pleasanter than Srinagar and I had a jolly time looking at the local children playing and the men and women basking the sun.

Fresh Snow at Aru Valley, a camping site in the summer

Another experience that I would recommend is the Old City Walk at the Old Town. I shall leave some things for surprises.

Vintage love!

The Old World Charm

I also recommend the Shankarachariya Temple for the glorious views it offers and a Water Safari on the Dal Lake, crossing over to the Manasbal Lake through the river Jhelum and camping over night on the gorgeous banks of the Manasbal lake with live barbecue under the stars!

View from up above!

The Amsterdam of India!

The Floating Vegetable Markets - Dal Lake @ 6.05AM

Finally an early morning visit to the floating vegetable market and partaking in the naptol that happens there shouldn't be missed for the world!

I am told that the best time Kashmir in its full bloom is from May to September, so plan your trip wisely unlike me!

Changing the Verbose

It has been a while since I blogged and a dear friend of mine pointed out that I am very ‘verbose’ and tend to write very long blog posts. Of course at that point, I defended myself rather aggressively, arguing that that is the style of my writing and so be it; if people do not like reading it I quite don’t give a fig.

But no sooner did I delve deeper into what had been critiqued about my rather flowery long writing, than did I realize that this was the reason I don’t write that often, out of pure inertia, because I had taken for granted that I have a particular style of writing and that I shall obstinately stick to it followed by bouts of laziness to actually write a blog post.

My critic also pointed out that the name of my blog is quite contradictory to the posts in it; Panchee Chirps are perhaps short little chirps and not long ‘verbose’ rants. Nonetheless, I am a human-bird, I chirp, but am human and to err is to human and you my dear readers are absolutely divine to forgive my obvious shortcoming. However having said that, I shall endeavour to write shorter pieces, after all, embracing change graciously while keeping ones originality intact is freedom.

This I’d say is a good start! Would you say that too?

She's Corrosive!

Warning Dark poetry..

Yeah, if you want to judge me for writing dark words, I don't give a fig.

White or Dark, they are words, they are a reflection of my rather arduous life.

Most of you may have had an easy life, but I have depth, and let me tell you, I can always count on darkness, because 'He' never lets me down, always guides me to light.

So those of you, who care to judge me as 'mentally ill', back off, for 'He' and I don't care to listen to your shallow words or your shallow life story.

And for those of you who are interested in reading further and like my writing...

This is also being worked on with a tune and rhythm for a gothic number, which I will embed here once we are through recording. There you go:

..........................................................................................................................................................

She doesn't leave my side,

And now am so used to being spied!

Due courtesy am silent, at other times am violent

Is it the blood slipping down my 'Coloured' Wrist?

Or is it the Mesmerizing Pills that cause the Twist?

Oh She's Corrosive and I've begun to rust!

She's taking over me with her immortal lust

She wants to be one with my soul

and influences me to take on that role!

And alas! I am holding on to this fickle life

As do those thoughts when I see that knife...

Oh She's Corrosive and I am rusted

Can't find my soul, a while since its been dusted!

.............................................................................................................................................................

And if you are in the dark about what I mean by this piece of poetry, let me guide you to light.

I hallucinate, almost always. I hear voices of a middle aged woman, asking me to become one with her, basically, she wants me off this world, and the reasons she quotes are that she is outside this life/world and is in need of a soul friend, and she and I can truly befriend each other only if I quit this life. She tells me she is desperate and needs a partner. My constant question to her is, 'Why me?', for which I do not get a reply. She's unreasonable I guess, as are most women (pardon me my feminist friends)!

I have struggled with this over the many many long and painful years but I am stable now. I have been under several anti-psychotic drugs to 'treat' this rather frightening disease, but none of it has really helped (hold on, I don't need your pity, I am quite alright. If you meet ignorant of my world and history, you will see me displaying no signs of any insanity and will quite like my person). 

What has helped is an imagination of the true blissful feeling my mum and dad would have had when I was born and that keeps me going. I endure all this for them, for those happy faces, for all those amazing moments I have had with my family, with both my siblings.

Don't intend to make it more melodramatic, my only point is, no matter how painful it may be to live, one can always find an inspiration to go on, if one is willing and a wee bit selfless. 

The Storm

Recently I created my own storm,
And these heavy clouds darkened my world around.  storm as ruthless stripped me off my sanity,
And my world from then has been devoid of all serenity.

Yes I been seeking out for shelter
How many times I knocked on his door
But it seemed to me that I was 
knocking on heaven's door.
Yes! I was knockin' on heavens door!

But a lightening of a revelation struck me,
Bought an umbrella for am rich in vanity
Now am standing under it, I feel no rain
The storms may have gone, but I feel no pain

Convinced that I am, need no shelter
I shall seek to knock on the real heavens door
With apathy am knockin' on heavens door

I came alone to this gloriously deceitful land
The more I held on the more it slipped away, the sand
Folks are sand, admire, love but never hold tight
Nay, you disagree? they are out of your sight

Not astray but in my own shelter, a smile on my lips as I knock on heaven's door
I hear the Man behind, while am knockin' on heaven's door!
......................................................................

PS: this is going to be shortly made into a song... Perhaps progressive rock. Stay tuned

My Suicide Story

This is not ‘Gyan’. But this is my Suicide story.

I write this with a very heavy heart. Not that I knew Jiah Khan personally. Not that I thought she was a fabulous actor, she was decent but very beautiful, she'd do very well indeed if she had  willed. But she was woman, like me. She was a person like us all. She was struggling with life and she gave up, she quit.

Her suicide story took me down memory lane. Not a pleasant one of course. The darkness is mostly never pleasant. I certainly find it addictive and I have witnessed its malignant face too. I have been there almost looking death in the eye, and trust me ‘he’ looks hideous! I was not sure if I was running towards him or away from him. It was too painful to live. It was too painful to breathe. It was too painful to struggle. And I did attempt it, several times. Sleeping pills (tonne of them), anti-psychotics overdose, all that I could find and buy, blades slitting through the veins of my wrist, asphyxiation with my inhaler, I have tried it. But what surprises me now is that I always called out for help at the end of it all. If I had not, I would not be alive to write this very post.

It is not that my suicide story is a foolish one. I was terribly depressed as is evident! I would ‘see’ people who did not exist. I would hear voices of a lady, never obliging silence. I would quite simply hallucinate. I was heavily drugged with anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. I had dropped out of college. I attempted going back a couple of times, in vain. I failed all the time I attempted to even read a line from a book. I lost everything I had ever dreamed of doing. I would look at the ceiling the entire day or just sleep because the pills made me. I had no hope of recovery. The doctors had even suggested ‘institutionalization’. It lasted for over 4 years. 4 years of my adult life, from 18 – 23 years of age, when any girl is expected to touch the brink of beauty and social life with beaux & flirtations, I was at home almost weighing 85kgs with no hope of recovery, completely cut off from the outside world.

One day I got tired of it all. I just got out of home and got a job as a ‘hostess’ in a restaurant close to my house. I realised one thing that day. No ‘job’ is small. Every job has a value to add to one’s life. When I was studying Physics back in Bangalore, albeit doing terrific at it, I hadn’t imagined that, say, 4 years from thence I would greet guests at a restaurant and pick up empty plates and glasses. I hadn’t ever imagined working in the Hotel industry in 2007. But today I am here. I work for a Hotel Brand. I am happy. I have fallen in love with it. And the work I do adds immense value to my existence. As is evident from my post ‘Another Cinderella Story’, it does certainly feel like fairy land. Here comes the ‘Gyan’, I did not (and still do not) weigh a job or a situation in life.  I did not judge it. Judging a situation makes us weak. It makes us pity ourselves and this pity is the ‘adder’ that spills venom into our existence.

Whatever you may be, be it a Mechanic, a Cobbler, a Steward, a Caller, a Sales Person, an Executive, a CEO, a Managing Director, a House Wife, a Cook, a Maid, a Dog Walker, all you need is to be passionate about what you are doing, to love your work, to give it your 100 percent. It is not impossible. I do it. There are days I do not give my 100 percent. I forgive myself for it. But I never stop loving what I do.

I have come a long way from wanting to do theoretical physics to marketing hotels. But I do not judge myself. I do not judge the path my life has taken. I only am proud that I am happy; that I have made a commitment to happiness. All suicide stories need not end at suicide. Mine began with it!

The Key

There he is, quite a far from where I breathe

Those blithesome days, locked in the chambers of memory

They are chained, almost obscenely painful, for they won’t go

Urging them to leave, to unlock and be set free

Yet they won’t go

In them lives a young maiden;

Fearless & Shrewd

Hypocrisy runs in her blood. Too Cowardly for admittance.

Too drowned in her own image

Dissembling her heart, masking her passion, too conceited to stare at

Truth’s face

A few months of union failed to uncover his letter.

Though it read in stark words, ‘not a love letter’,

The foolish maiden, bought those words, for she was rich in vanity

The brunt of fait was borne by both

She took to black and he took to silence.

They say silence compliments black;

Fair job that it did and blew them apart

There was more silence, an awkward silence, a painful silence

And then came the master of all, the apathetic silence.

Apathy was the dagger straight into the maiden’s bosom

Murdered, silently. Pray, may this a secret stay!

The maiden long gone, was then born a Madam

Who stares in the eyes of truth, walks before any man unscathed

He smiles at the madam again, but tainted smiles don’t last

She smiles at him, bluntly, albeit will always

And thus it continues, the saga

He disappears, he appears, and in all these games,

He is the only player, for the madam retired,

Hackneyed

Her attention is captured by the endeavour to seek

The Key, and be set free

Another Cinderella Story, a true story..

I had to write about the organization I work for. I had to! It would have been unfair to miss that out!

Let me begin with saying that this organization has been my fairy Godmother, with a magic wand!

When I joined this company in 2011, I was Cinderella, only sadder, fatter, weaker, useless, and directionless and drowned in my illness. I was far from being of any real worth. As it is evident from my previous posts, I was unwell. I got this job through a reference of an ex-employee who is a dear friend of mine. I would like to think he was more like the ‘announcement’ of the Ball for our little sad version of Cinderella!

I was hired as a sales co-ordinator. The first words of my boss during my interview still echo in my ear.

He said, “Don’t worry, sales co-ordinators do not have much work, most of the time, you will be just helping around, doing some data consolidation, may be even idle sometimes, nothing to worry about, it is a very cool job”. I was fine with it. I did not quite want a job with too much work at that time. My friend even assured me later that if I do get hired, the person who took my interview is a rather ‘cool boss’, and I certainly agree with him on that! This gave me a tiny ray of hope as I had just been fired unreasonably from my previous job and I was quite tormented about working all together!

I got a hired a week after the interview, and mind you, I wasn’t even a graduate then. I had dropped out of college a long time ago. The first day was smooth. I got introduced to a couple of colleagues who worked at the office. I was asked to come up with a few theme ideas for the coming New Year Party, as it is a Hotel I work for. I did a google search and came up with some extravagant ideas, my boss very kindly told me ‘You are thinking global, it won’t work, think local’. That was my cue, my learning cue. Next I was asked to work on some emailer design. I used the online ‘picnik’ software back then to create some ‘so called’ creative designs. I did conjure up something, and when I look at it now, I can almost burst out laughing at how juvenile a design it was. But my Boss never said so, all he said was, ‘That looks nice, see if you can do it this way, change it a bit, may be change this colour’. He was so encouraging. I, at that time, wasn’t quite aware that my design skills were horrendous, but he was humble and kind enough not to point that out to my face. He is a Gem of a person!

Encouragement and kindness are the beginning of learning. I took up Corel Draw. I decided to experiment with it. In a short period of 20 days, I had learnt how to use the software. I started making emailers, flyers, and other graphics for the Hotel, with tremendous encouragement. At that time, I got introduced to my Super Boss. I might add he is a man of such positive aura, that just one meeting with him boosts us all up and charges us with immense energy. He has multi-dimensional persona. Words would flood my post if I begin to describe him. He asked me to work out some designs for his sister concern companies. I was so thrilled to be a part of it!

I knew then that Cinderella had found her Fairy Godmother! This organization was most certainly my Fairy Godmother, with a magic wand comprised of kindness and encouragement.

Just shortly afterwards, both my seniors mentioned above, decided to make me a part of the pre-opening team of a new property in Goa. I cannot word now the bounds of my happiness. I could feel that I was on a pathway to recovery. We went to Goa to see the property, and the places around so as to market it. That was my first trip away from home. My parents were a little worried for I was still under medication, but one of my colleagues assured my mother that he will take the responsibility of my medication. All went smooth and the trip is still very vivid in my memory! That colleague is one of the few people I trust; despite several differences we have learned to be good friends!

When I got back, my Boss asked me if I would just work out a website for the property. I had experimented a little bit on Google sites, but, I couldn’t do a good job of it. This created verve to learn website development! I started experimenting with Dreamweaver and HTML coding. I learned how to make a decent website in about a month, and I designed the official website for the property in Goa. Everybody gave me their words of appreciation and the Magic wand had begun working its magic sufficiently well. Cinderella had her pumpkin turned into a beautiful carriage!

As time marched ahead, I marched with it. My Super Boss realised that I had a knack for economic studies and market research, and thus made me a part of the Hotel Feasibility Report team. Cinderella’s beautiful gown was in place and it fit her so very well! She even went to the grand Ball, and met with her Prince. The Prince was a Charming man. They danced together not realizing the clock was about to strike twelve.

I wasn’t completely fit yet. And there was a major setback. I had a relapse of psychosis. I became too ill to even communicate properly. For a few days I wasn’t in a condition to even report to work. Generally, organizations would term such a person as ‘mentally unfit’ to work, and would have terminated the services immediately. But this was not the case! The management gave me another chance. My Boss spoke to my parents and insisted that I work from home for a few days until I felt better.

I knew the Prince had Cinderella’s glass shoes, and he would come looking for her. She had already won his heart!

I think second chances or may be more than second chances are very important for longevity! And I had mine and could thus sustain it. Cinderella’s second chance was her Prince coming back to her with her slipper. I transformed. I had strength and abundant confidence all juxtaposed with humility and faith.

One fine day, we had a woman join us at the organization at a senior level. To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t very comfortable with a lady Boss. This was also because at my previous job, a lady was my boss, and she had unreasonably and mercilessly fired me. I was prejudiced ever since. But I must admit, I was in for a surprise. She is nothing like my previous experience. She is warm, kind, loving & genuinely caring. She gave me a few words of wisdom, the best I like is: “If I want to borrow money from you, and if you don’t have it then how can you lend it to me? The same goes for happiness, how can you give happiness, when you yourself do not have it?” I have etched it into my soul. I decided I want to create as much happiness in my heart, so that I never run out of it.

Today I would like to believe that I add value to this organization. To come from absolutely nothing to an object of value certainly needed a fairy to use her Magic Wand!

The Prince sought Cinderella again and the glass slipper fit her so well. They had been carefully made for her. This organization is certainly my fairy Godmother. People I have mentioned in this post have certainly left a mark in my life; they all have their magic wands, still creating magic. And last but not the least, my Prince is my long lost self esteem, confidence and a passion for living and he has been sought & conquered!

Success Begets Hostility

I do not fathom this hostility. Every time I begin doing well in any front, I am faced with people trying to bring me down. I am trying to solve this equation. I do not think I understand the problem, and the reason why I am unable to give it an elegant solution.

When I wasn’t doing well, that is to say, when I was ‘flawed’, when I would have no other option but to listen and imbibe the best in everybody around me, people were ‘nice’ to me. I used to be a terrific listener, not that I am any less now, I had made a few associations that seemed very strong to me that time. And mind you this is not a very long time ago. The Timeline would be just about 6 months in the past. I was still under medication for my ill health. I would fall ill every drop of a hat. I would not be in perfect mental and physical health to shoulder any responsibilities at home or at work, or anywhere else. People thronged to me. People both older and younger than me, my relatives, my superiors at work, people closely associated with my personal and professional life.

My medication was put to a stop merely 9 months ago. I started feeling good about life. The very first time, I realised that I have more sense of freedom than I did, in the last 5 years that I had been suffering. I was quite a slave to a severe health condition for those miserable 5 years. I was at home for 3 years straight, when I mean at home, I literally mean home, completely cut off from the outside world. It took me a rather large; an effort to heal. I worked almost 2 years while I was still unwell. It was easy to work with the condition because you automatically see pity in the eyes of people. Until they were ignorant of my condition they were reticent, when they were quite aware, they were filled with empathy. Though I was not very comfortable in seeking people’s pities and sympathies, I found it quite easy to get along. They wouldn’t be too hard on me, or they would not be critical of most of the things I did. Even if I faltered in any regard, I was always forgiven. I mistook many of these deeds to kindness. I told myself that my perspective of people’s cruelty and apathy towards life in general was not on firm grounds. I told myself that most people in general are kind and caring. They are forgiving and humble. I was in for a surprise. That is totally untrue!

Back in August when I was out of the medication and was pronounced ‘fit’, I vowed to myself that I will change many things about my life beginning with my weight, my lifestyle, my attitude: personal, professional and social and ending with everything that seemed wrong and brought about negativity in me. After a lot of procrastination, I finally put to practise a decently good lifestyle of eating right and exercising. I also began socialising. Trying to smile whenever possible, being a part of the office fun culture, trying to be as nice as possible at home, owning up more responsibilities, et al. I started feeling good within. My inner happiness was certainly visible to the outside world. People did notice changes in my person. A few did compliment me. They all knew I was battling all the wrongs that had attached themselves to me while I was unwell all these years. I lost a terrific amount of weight. I started looking and feeling more confident. This also reflected in my work. I started getting recognized at work. My family also noticed that I was doing far better than their expectations. In a nutshell, I seemed to get back my long lost limelight, at least in small quanta! Amidst all this hustle-bustle, I started noticing that, ever since I have recovered and (might add) doing well aesthetically, people have started falling out with me. It perturbed me for almost a month. I am not going to highlight anybody in specific here, but in general, I could perceive the negative energy creeping back.

Now I am talking of the present. I think I almost figured out why this is happening! I am using the word ‘almost’ here because; I need a few more practical sessions before I could justify the theoretical findings.

I think people (perhaps me included) are inherently insecure. We are insecure of everything around us. We are insecure parents with the fear of losing control on our children, we are insecure students with peer pressure, we are insecure friends with the fear of not being in the friend circle after a certain period, we are insecure lovers with the fear of losing the person we love to another, we are insecure executives with the fear of  under-performance, we are insecure seniors with the fear of seeing our juniors perform better and move ahead, this is a saga that is perpetual. At every mode we are insecure about one thing or the other. I figure so is the case with people’s behaviours to one and other. They were merely boosting their own rather ‘weak’ esteems while they were offering me their empathies. They were themselves drowned in their insecurities that it was a momentary relief to offer another person of ‘lower’ existence some pity to heighten their own mere existence.

Now when I begin to do well, their philanthropic self gets an attack of confusion! This perhaps translates into hostility. To confirm this theory, I will have to keep myself on the table and examine my behaviour towards someone who has transformed from two different worlds.

I hope I will find my muse!

Playing with Fire..

As much as I would like to be strong, certain incidents, albeit completely unavoidable weigh me down to the point of minima. Being a woman, was supposed to be a matter of immense pride, or so I was taught all through my childhood and adolescent life. I never doubted that daughters and sons stand on an equal stage, boy and girls at school share the same platform for success and Fathers and Mothers were as important in decision making as my brother and I were.

The upbringing was terrific, but I understand now, with all due respect to my parents, that I have been deceived into believing that the female sex is as empowered as her male counterpart. I realise now how we, women, are all fooled into advocating that the society will give us the freedom to live, untouched by the heinous face of the world.

No way! Women have to fight for their right to exist alongside men, and they will all be martyrs at the end of this valiant fight. Especially I see this in the work culture. I have not worked in too many organizations. But I, for as long as I have worked and from all the experiences I have collected from my other women counterparts, have come to believe that women will never be granted equal status intrinsically. Even if they are twice as smarter and hard working as their male counter parts, they shall be curbed as much as possible from escalating to success.

If a woman is ‘physically’ weaker than a man then that is perhaps how God designed her to be more delicate than a man. I shall not dare questions the superior designs of the Almighty. But why do we fail to notice that there are woman body builders and karate champions who could certainly break bones of men as well as anyone could. It is just a matter of choice. Some women want to stick to the delicate form whilst some want to be body builders. Similarly, women have been shunned from working outside of their homes and intellectual indulgence for so long that it has taken a while for them to be as confident as the men, who have been doing this since time immemorial. The low confidence has been sewn into the genome of women. This is certainly a work of evolution! Unlike the delicate form of the female this has been brought about by the society. Societal force made them stay away from working and many things that men weren’t forbidden from doing. This doesn’t mean that she cannot be as good as the man in anything, if not better?

Why do I have to keep hearing things such as:

1. Sales Jobs are for men.

2. Real Estate profile jobs are for men.

3. Working late hours is for the man

.

.

This list could go on.

This really angers me! Why can’t a woman be a good sales person? I never get any of my seniors to support me when I bring this subject up.  Why is there a segregation at all? If men can be airline stewards, then woman can certainly be sales women!

The reason why rapes and sexual violence happens is because men think that they are more superior and that they can do anything and get away with it. This animosity in men has gotten stronger ever since women have started getting into the forefront. The male ‘ego’ can’t seem to tolerate that. He thinks in his subconscious mind “Now since women around me have begun being my equals, it is time I showed them, who’s the superior of the two, I will rape her and exercise my tyranny over her”.  

I see the male ego trying to overpower me in all arenas. I see tinges of this in my father and brother as well. As much as I appreciate them curbing this ‘male ego’, they dissemble it quite adroitly, due to the presence of a headstrong feminist at home, I certainly see the clichéd ‘Male Chauvinism’ in them. I see it in my colleagues. I see it in my boss; I see it in a little child too.

My colleagues, all of them being men, never seem to treat me as one of them. One particular colleague of mine from the H.R. thinks that I am not fit enough to be informed of the happenings in the company. And I being the only woman in the organization ought to be at a lower post in order to maintain hierarchy. For the sake of the goodness of Human Resource, how could he distinguish between the genders! My boss certainly thinks I am incapable of the brilliant things his male team members are capable of doing. I, quite often (in fact everyday) witness favouritism at the work place. It irks me once in a while. In fact what drove me to write this is that, I have been literally pleading my boss every fortnight to give me an opportunity in hard-core hotel sales. The concept of hotel sales and revenue management is invigorating to my spirit. Every time I spend some moments reading articles and the process of it, though it isn’t rocket science, it always makes me yearn to experience that profile. My boss did give in once, recently. He asked me to accompany him and another senior to a meeting. I was really excited. My excitement died when I was merely introduced to the gentleman we were to meet with. I felt like a complete idiot, sitting there and barely saying anything at all. And then when we got back, I asked him if I could independently go on calls. He said, “Yes, you may, but keep in mind that your other work should not suffer while on calls.” I gladly agreed. I calculated the entire time management in my mind. I decided I will work extra hours after office to get ends to meet. I couldn’t dissemble my happiness, I was smiling from within. Little did I realize that my happiness was short lived. The next day when I began discussing my plans for the ‘Sales mission’ my boss was so apathetic towards the entire conversation that it lent a very bad taste. To add to my distaste, he told me that I would just be wasting my time and energy. Such is the encouragement I receive from my seniors. This is all because I am a woman. A woman perhaps incapable of being her male counter parts equal.

Perhaps it is my incapability that I cannot get all these men to see the truth.

AGRATA, LOST & FOUND

Strong wind would blow over her feminine structure, heavy monsoons poured out their sorrows to her, yet Agrata, always stood on firm grounds above her tiny feet. Her feet may have been tiny, probably the tiniest one would find in a girl of her age, yet there was no storm strong enough to shake her.

Agrata had acquired her firmness of ground and invincible courage since her childhood. She was the most pampered child amongst her three other siblings, two older sisters and a younger brother.

Even as a child she possessed a will strong enough to pave pathways to acquire what her heart desired. She came from loving family, parents as selfless as mother Earth, and siblings who never left her side. Despite having all that a child needs, Agrata was not content. Every day she secretively mourned for assets that she didn’t possess and yearned for more vanity and an extravagant lifestyle. She seldom regarded others’ feelings above her own and she failed to understand the virtue of a humble living.

Being from a Hindu-Brahmin family, she grew up listening to the stories of the Hindu Gods, but never paid them any heed. Her Mother was a religious person, and yet she couldn’t bring her daughter to be even half as devoted to the love of God as she was. There were many stories she would listen to, and felt they were starkly devoid of logic and sense. One of these stories was the story of Lord Ganesh.

One day when Lord Ganesh and his brother Karthikeya had come of age, they wanted to get married. Yes they did! Both wanted to marry before the other. Their parents Lord Shiva and Goddess Parvati were in a fix. They weren’t sure whom to please and whom to deny as both the sons very equally dear to them. Agrata was confused at the point, that why the two brothers couldn’t get married alongside!

Shiva came up with a solution. He pronounced a task for the two. The task was that whosoever will encircle the universe first will be married first. Karthikeya set out on this odyssey to encircle the universe. Everyone believed that it was rather easy for him to win the task as he was of an athletic build and his vehicle was a peacock. Whereas Ganesh was pot bellied and his vehicle was a rat. A couple of years passed by since Karthikeya and left, and Ganesh was happy going about his routine life. When his father questioned him if he has accepted defeat, Ganesh smiled and encircled his parents seven times and stated that his parents are his Universe and that he has completed the given task seven times. His parents had to accept his belief and declared him the winner! This Agrata considered rather illogical and refused to acknowledge any mythological stories.

More than her will, the attribute most noticed in her was her stubbornness. She was too stiff to budge for anything in the world, except her fluttering heart. She would behave in synchronization with the whims of the life pump! It was a matter of oddity for her family and friends to understand how she could be so different from the rest of her family. He father, Ramanuja was a simple man, a person of equal experience and knowledge that made him a kind and loving parent. Her Mother, Suguna was a logical woman, too straightforward at times for a mother’s humour, yet very devoted nonetheless. The oldest of the Siblings, Surbhi, was a motherly sister, an obedient daughter, and an emotional girl. The second of the four children, Rani had taken after her older sister, but extrovert in nature as opposed to Surbhi’s reserved disposition. The last was a brother, Gyan, as warm as the sun, who was academically very intellectual, but a boy of sweet temperament.

One fine afternoon, which wasn’t close to being fine, it was hot and sultry, Agrata decided that she had had enough of the sheltered life at Delhi that made her mind mundane and strife. She wanted to feed her thirsty adventurous heart and experiment with the word ‘independence’ and ‘freedom’. She decided to part from her family and set forth on a journey to witness the spectacles of the world which she was convinced would be a part of her life soon. Little did she know of the shortcomings of these spectacles that lay ahead of her. Despite her family’s combined efforts to dissuade her from her fanciful enterprise, she set forth to challenge her destiny at twice the verve and strength that she was bestowed upon.

She moved to Bangalore, a cosmopolitan city in India, best known as the ‘Silicon valley’ of the country. At first, when she landed herself in a decent college to study literature and art, she felt the first feelings of contentment. She believed that she had found a reason to her existence. She made friends, and lovers. She possessed a charm that was both attractive and dangerous. She reached the pink of her life during the first year. At cosmopolitan cities in India, it was a trend to hang out with friends, adorn the latest fashion, party, dance and drink. Agrata indulged in all these ‘trends’ to convince herself of her victory. Unfortunately for her, Agrata didn’t realize that every party eventually ended, every dream would break into the mornings and every misconception would turn into deception.

As the sands of time passed through her triumphed fist, she became popular at college for the wrong reasons. Her professors always found a reason to pick at her, though she excelled in academia, they disliked her arrogance. She found her friends turning to foes by the number, due to things that were inexplicable to her own self. She started keeping to herself, and indulged in books and music. Then a time came by when she would converse aloud with none but herself, at the presence of others. Everything that she conceived as beautiful and satisfying turned into thorns of nightmares that controlled her tremendously. The Agrata, who was known to have an invincible grip on her ground, was being gripped by the misfortunes of her destiny. She lost herself, and started descending grossly into insanity. There was a time when she couldn’t even read a single line, leave alone volumes of books she used to gobble up at a time, in the past. She detested Society, and she detested light. She took to darkness and it devoured her.

She would have reached her grave, if it had not been for her family, who came to her rescue. When her Mother heard of her ailment, she flew to her side, and gave her all her time. She nursed her and took care of her like the little Agrata she had nurtured as an infant. With her mother’s healing powers, Agrata, decided to quit her present life and get back to the shelter of her home. When she got back home, she didn’t see pity in the eyes of her family, but she saw love, and more love & only love. Her sisters would always dress her up, to invoke her lost charm. Her brother would play the guitar & encourage her to sing with him to stimulate her passion for music. Her father would read her bed time stories. Every member in the family protected her, as a delicate flower, craving to see in it its lost colours & fragrance.

The love of her family was more powerful than anything in her life. Agrata realized that, her kit and kin were her truest friends, her parents were the guide, and ‘independence’ was not a thing to be sought alone, but to be felt in unison with all those one loved.

The sun shone brightly again and the warmth brought back the lost colours of Agrata’s life. And she was content with her share of happiness and sorrows. She never again felt the need to be the best any more. She realised that she was always special for her family who would go to the end of the Earth to make her feel special. She learnt that happiness comes with togetherness and selflessness. And until today her favourite epic story has been the story of Lord Ganesh!

Failed as a Human Being!

I have been revisiting my past for a few days since. It has been quite exhausting, I have to honestly admit. The overflow of memories is ineffable! It is ‘almost’ moistening my eyes. But most importantly I realise how far I have come from there!

I never thought I would write about him. I thought I had left him far behind in the past. But obviously there was some unfinished business. I have known him for a LONG time; long enough to know that I would not want to associate with such a person ever in my life. In fact, whenever I meet a person, who displays a few of his qualities, I shun that person far away from my life. I doubt if I could ever forget him. I couldn’t. That is because he is everything I do not want to be. He is everything I detest in humankind.

He seemed really nice to me at first. I always thought we were very close. I used to call him my ‘best friend’. I told myself for a long time that he has done a lot for me and has been doing a lot for me. I never questioned what the ‘lot’ he did for me was. I never questioned his judgements; though he’s always ask me not to be judgemental on the contrary. He was (is?) a complete hypocrite. It is a pity that I was ever associated with a person like him.

I never loved him, though I admitted it to myself more than a few times. I was afraid of him. I was afraid of losing his ‘friendship’. I was tormented that he would judge me for one of my flaws. I was frightened that he will abandon me and after that I will thrown into oblivion. I wasn’t like this before I knew him. I had more confidence that God himself did. He always undermined my confidence. He always made me feel little about myself. And I noticed he’d do the same with everybody he associated with. A few people would agree with me, and those who do not, are still under his influence.

I sought my freedom from this disgusting tyrant when I was at the point of minima. I was depressed, and psychotic due to some unfortunate events in my life which are not of relevance here. I even had seizures. My life was almost lifeless. The Master put up with me for a while, but one fine day, he decided, he had had enough of nonsense from me, and called it quits. He said, “If you wanted to die, you would have taken the exact amount of sleeping pills that would have killed you. You can still do it; at least you won’t be a damn hypocrite.” That was it. I knew I was kidding myself that he was a friend. He was more demented than I was. I moved on. Since I was rid of his presence in my life, my body and mind began healing. It was almost magical. Of course my Family and my Doctor friend from AIIMS have had a great hand in pulling me through, but not being associated with evil, set me into light, like an auto pilot.

Interestingly, he didn’t stop there. He wrote me an email the following year, an abrupt one at that, asking me not to contact him. It was hilarious to read that email. Being in contact with the devil, I knew there would be a minor setback in my life. Yes, there certainly was, and I sprung back to life, after the effects of evil had diluted and vanished.

They say he is doing very well in his professional life. I say, what is the point if he excels in what he does; he failed as a human being.

Lesson: Detach from all evil. It may take a while, it may seem impossible. But when you have gotten rid of the devil, you can’t help but smile the happiness of God within you!

Quills, Unconventionally Inspiring!

I don’t generally review movies, and moreover this is not a Movie review! This is just straight from my bosom!

Quills, is a movie I watched a long time ago. Probably in the year 2007. I borrowed it from a friend.

At first I was taken by the cast, Kate Winslet and Geoffrey Rush; the former for her timeless beauty (& Nudity?) and the later for his adroit acting!! I did expect powerful scenes from the Movie, but this movie surprised me far beyond my expectations of being surprised!

The movie is apparently based on a French writer from the 18th century, Marquis de Sade. This is not exactly a biography of the writer but ample inspiration has been derived from the writer’s lifestyle and idiosyncrasy. 

Marquis is a libertine writer and a really passionate one at that. He is also a political critique and is known for his erotic literature. Napoleon Bonaparte, the French emperor and most of the political personnel were against his erotic work, especially because of his accentuation of violence, and blatant elements of Blasphemy. He is institutionalized in an asylum. But he still continues to write and a young girl Madeleine (Kate Winslet) who works at the asylum secretly publishes his books with the help of an anonymous publisher. His books are sold in the black market and due to its very erotic form cannot be stopped from selling because it is human nature to like eroticism!

Madeleine is an illiterate girl learning to read and write from the Warden of the Asylum. She is extremely interested in hearing Sade’s stories. The most amusing part of the movie is how he trades bits of his stories in exchange for a sexual experience with Madeleine. She is extremely interested in the stories, so the outcome is quite amusing for us viewers!

It turns out that the King commands to burn every book that has been published by Sade, and to take away his papers and ‘Quills’ (Ink and pen).

This is the moment that has captured my heart ever since. His passion for writing is extraordinary. He has a madness to write. He starts writing on the bedspread with wine; and Madeleine secretly gets it published, when this is known to the King, he is stripped off his clothes even, and he writes on the wall with his blood. This is the extend of his passion to write!

This was the most exasperating part of the movie! The passion to write, the sheer madness to write, even if it means to drying oneself to death!

And as a matter of fact, ‘Sadism’ is derived from our very own Marquis De Sade!

A must watch!

Fossiled Hearts

I think aloud now, give my heart a chance to speak her mind. I always took it for granted, I do not anymore.

You have completely taken over me. There is not a time when I do not think about you. I tell myself, I have thought about you enough, and I should sleep now, but I dream of you. I dream of you and me together, in a place untouched by civilization. Where there is just enough room for the two of us and we sit together romancing the utter insulation from the cruel world we have left behind together.

I want to run away with you. And I know in my heart that I am the one person who can keep you entirely happy. I complete you and you me. I know every feeling in that beautiful heart of yours and I know how to humour every inch of your desires. You know me like none has ever dared to know, you understand even my darkest thought, you, my dear, are my soul mate.

I always thought one ought to find one’s soul mate. I had tricky ideas that my soul mate would be sought in exotic places, in mesmerizing situations, one that is described in Novels & movies. I didn’t realise that my soul mate was with me, even during the most ordinary situations, blunt and careless, lazy and casual.

You have the kindest heart, the sweetest voice, you are an angel, or is it just me?

When you are with me, it is spring, I feel flowers smiling, and leaves grooving to the music of your presence. When I feel your touch it is most exotic feeling of belonging. When you smile, it is sunshine warming me up to the right temperature. When you are not with me, I am shivering in the summer, body filled with blisters beckoning you to heal them, blood turn to ice and the sharp edges of the veins that carry my cold blood slit my body into so many little pieces.

You are my darling, my lover, my soul mate, you share my blood. You are my Sister, Accka!

You were with me when the first volume of Air went into my tiny lungs. You were with me when I was named; you were with me when I would pinch you in amusement and you would let me, because you saw your little baby having so much fun. You would have scars on your face, but all that mattered was that I was amused. You have always made me extraordinary, even when it was your birthday you would want me to have a new dress too. You would pour out your heart to me, and you would always listen until my heart was light. You would fight with me when I would ignore you. You would punish me by not talking to me; just to let you know it hurt so badly when you would not talk to me. You have never left my side. You encouraged me to follow my heart. Now that I realise my heart is with you, fossiled into yours, I am just following it.

I realise the incapability of Language to express myself to you. Love is a small, tiny word for what we share. We share something beyond time and space. We share something that God himself can’t fathom.

And I am just following my heart...so should you!

Despicable Panchéé!

I don't understand a certain trait in me. I am unsure if I should even point to it as a one of my traits!

It so turns out that I haven't been able to make friends. I come across as a human repellent! At first it seemed really cool that I repel away people, but of late it seems to be getting to me. I get stood up so often, and people meet me and throw excuses at me for not meeting again! Is there something so hideous about me that repels people away?

People who mostly prove my case are my ‘class-mates’ from school. I always thought I was liked, but now it seems like I am loathed, beyond my comprehension. Honestly, at least as my memory and analytics support me, I have not wronged anyone to an extent for earning their hatred! In fact, I have been supportive, with all my energy. I have even gone out of my way to ‘be there’, and all I get is coldness. I have forgotten how it is to be loved. I have lost my respect for friendship.

When it comes to my work place, I am the glorious ‘outcast’. I am not a part of any parties or gatherings. I am not even informed about award ceremonies within the organization. I mostly lunch alone, or sometimes don’t eat at all, for the fear of cruel loneliness striking me again! I am always a part of a LOT of ‘labour’ work, (however sarcastic I am trying to be here!) but never a part of the culture. None of the Gossips reach me. In short, I find myself quite despicable, here too.

The irony of it heats me up, when people say ‘Hey, listen, you would be in a better situation (mentally) if you hung out, just that, you are not someone I would want to hang out with’. What is this supposed to mean? Why are people so shallow? They are giving that person an advice they do not want to entertain. If they despise that person so much as to not want her company, they have no business in offering her a hypocritical advice!

I just wish to meet someone, who has the ‘balls’ to point out why they do not like my disposition, or why I repel them away! Anyone want to speak up?

Not Lamenting the Loss!

This is not quite a lament. It is an outburst, a chaos, an emptiness touching the bottom of the INFINITY 'Well'.

I do not want to sound obscure, but oblivion grips me and I can't seem to shake it away!

This is not one of those 'random rants'.

Let me give it another shot at being able to communicate what I am trying to state here!

My Older sister got wed locked less that 18 days ago, with due respects to precision, and I haven't been myself since then. Weddings are supposed to be 'happy' affairs! Yes I know people tell me, 'goodbyes' can be bitter, yet, most say that it is 'bitter-sweet', since you are wishing in your heart that the person you bid goodbye to would live happily ever after. This is entirely the opposite with me! I cannot fathom the reason. Probably one of the reasons I am writing is to figure out this unfathomable feeling of pain that I feel at the thought of my Her married, never to return home to Her baby.

She and I have been inseparable since our inception! We never needed anybody else 'cause there was always one person you knew would understand no matter what! She is a darling, and I dare say that She understands me like none other, even beyond my own great understanding of my world!

It was me, in the first place, to have encouraged following Her heart, and I feel as though I have deceived myself. At first, when 'a plausible' marriage between my brother-in-law and Her was doing the rounds of the family discussion table, it seemed like a perfect idea! I couldn't have been happier for Her. Little did I realise that my happiness for HER was at the cost of my heart! Things went on, the wedding preparations began and I decided to put my heart on 'auto-pilot' until the wedding proceedings were all over and out, smoothly, albeit! It did go on smoothly, and when I try to bring my heart back to reality, now that the wedding is over, is hurts more than anything has ever hurt me! It is almost like ripping off a band-aid, the more I try ripping it, the more the pain elevates, except that this pain is a googol times more excruciating! Why is all this happening? Why am I feeling like I will faint, and never wake again?

I have experienced all forms of Love with this Woman! A sister, far beyond the boundaries of sisterhood, a friend far closer to be called a friend, a guide better than God, a Mother as warm as sunshine, an enemy who cannot be loathed (to point out my numerous flaws!), even a Lover, lovelier than the greatest of loves! All of the above could be somehow, minutely understood by many, but the last, I am afraid; you wouldn’t, unless I cleared it! Don’t you dare question the piousness of our Love!

My alter ego, ‘Bunny’, a mere soft toy in the eyes of the world, is Her Lover! I never hoped to write about ‘Bunny’ ever. It always seemed like a thing of play, genteel levity with tremendous comic effect that always promised laughter amongst all of us five people in the house (Dad, Mum, Bro, Her & me). It started off as an art of ventriloquism! I would make Bunny talk to Her as Her Lover. It would be so hilarious! Cutting out all the (essential) details of the act, it was in short, pure entertainment! It did not come across to me that Bunny tuned into a real person, as time ran by! I know now that Bunny is madly in Love with Her, and I cannot seem to grip reality. Every time I sleep, I dream of coming home and finding Bunny hanging from the fan, after a successful act of suicide. It pains me to death when I wake up! I can’t seem to get a grip on reality. Is it so that my ‘Heart’ has gotten out of ‘Auto Pilot’ without my knowledge and is getting chaotic and out of control?

I NEED MY ANSWERS! MY HEAD IS SPINNING!

The Rope

I wish I could turn the pages of time,
Not forward, but backward.

Though I have to admit that pain has made me strong, I have seen the point  of minima, absolute darkness. When I even did not possess the will to finish the little bit of life left, that had bestowed upon me the pain that I so fondly withstood. I had no energy; nothingness seemed to captivate my existence.
I am back now, after all the trance of being in a well, 'Oblivion's abode', which has an infinite depth. Somewhere I found a rope, that someone had let down to bring me up and since then I have caught hold of it, and God knows I shan't let go! This rope has fossil-led into my palms.

I know, I won't let go. I will go ahead, march with the dignity of being alive, with the sun smiling warm on me. And Nay I will Smile back with assurance that I am not dreaming, that I am close to my dreams, and not in 'one' myself!

Panchéé
5-July-2012

Letters from the discomforts of the Bed

Yes indeed! I write now while I am lying on my bed, down with a terrible respiratory problem. I have been sick for almost a few days now and I already feel miserable. I feel like a prisoner, locked away behind the bars of Asthma!
But honestly, writing might be an answer to this misery. I know I am very melodramatic and I blow everything far beyond proportion. But I find this dramactic world rather interesting. In short I would be quite honoured if you would tag me as a drama 'queen', at least I am a queen!!
I might come across as authoritative, thrusting my opinions on those people who happen to bear with me, only because they (those that put up with me) are quite sure that deep down I am nice and though these people I refer to now comprise of a tiny number, one that could be counted comfortably with < 10 fingers yet they are all that I need to get along with life with a true smile.

Books - Mind's Treasure Cave!

Recently a friend of mine was asking me about some interesting books for kids. Hence this post!

I am sure at least people who read this will agree with me that reading is very fundamental to the over all development of an individual. More so, for kids. 
Their tender age looks for answers to question, probably not even answerable by great scientists. Such is the mind of a child!

There is no pretence. There is no sense of achievement, but just a pure curiosity. I believe that if this curiosity can be handled with reading, the child will grow to be self sufficient and remarkable.

I am just listing down some stories that I read as a child, and some that I read after I was no more a child! All of these books have inspired me nonetheless, and have added value to my living.

If you are looking to buy these books, they could be easily procured from a nice book store or even online.

I am going to list down books in Ascending Order of Age. Starting with Age 2 when the child glances its first words.

All readers are welcome to add to this list. Just put it in the comments box and it shall be posted. If possible a short review will help!

Age 2:

1. Wee Willie Winkie | Author: William Miller

This book is a darling of most toddlers. Be sure to buy the book with graphics illustration by Annie Kubler. The illustrations will capture the little hearts and the rhyme will get them to dance!

A must read!
In case you want to buy it Online: Amazon

2. Hello Baby : Author: Mem Fox

This book is enjoyed by the babies and their parents alike!

In case you want to buy it Online: Amazon

More Coming Up Soon!


<<A little deviation
There is a really interesting link that I found Online! They have many story books illustrated on-line. One has to just navigate and start enjoying the reading process! Here is the Link to it:
Children's Storybooks Online>>


Now Coming back to My List!

3. The Cat in the Hat | Dr. Seuss

Two children are moping indoors on a rainy day when in strolls the Cat in the Hat. Making one of the most unforgettable entrances in the history of children's literature, the lanky feline, stylishly dressed in a candy-striped stovepipe hat and oversized bow tie, creates a whirlwind of misbehavior that the kids are at first powerless to halt.

In case you want to buy it Online: Amazon 

4. The Very Hungry Caterpillar | Eric Carle

The book starts with an egg on a leaf, in the light of the moon.

The sun comes up and a tiny caterpillar emerges and looks for food.

On consecutive days, the caterpillar eats through a single red apple, two (green) pears, three (blue) plums, four strawberries, and five oranges, which takes us from Monday to Friday.

Saturday: the caterpillar eats its way through many different foods: chocolate cake, ice-cream, a pickle, Swiss cheese, salami, a lollipop, cherry pie, a sausage, a cupcake, and a slice of watermelon. The caterpillar gets a stomach ache as a result of eating all this food.

Sunday: the caterpillar eats through a single leaf, which makes the caterpillar feel better.

The now big caterpillar forms a cocoon (since the titular character is not a moth larva, this is poetic license).

On the final pages the caterpillar is now a 'beautiful' butterfly.

 In case you want to buy it Online: Amazon